When Loving Your Kid Isn't Enough

“I have these messy, ugly questions that I wanna explore with someone. I need to talk to someone safe [because] the concern of shame is real. And I've experienced it,” says a 40-something BIPOC woman who is raising a trans son. Her eyes cast down for a second, she continues, “Like, I can't talk to the person who's really trans informed because I'm gonna sound transphobic. The other side of the coin is talking to someone who supports my messy ideas, but they don’t challenge me to deal with what’s hard.”

Parents of gender-diverse teens want to move out of feeling anxious and into feeling empowered. They want to be their kid’s best advocates, but they are full of mixed emotions about their child coming out as trans or nonbinary. Most parents are dealing with some form of the struggle that their child isn’t turning out the way they expected. They love their kids, and they want the best for them. But, they have no idea how to ensure safety, let alone happiness, when their child reveals that they’re trans.

Life is full of dualities - holding two (or more) truths at the same time. And parenting, perhaps unlike any other life experience, repeatedly teaches lessons about holding multiple truths.

I have provided therapy to gender diverse kids and coaching support to their parents for nearly 15 years. In addition, I am also the proud mom of two kids: a nonbinary young adult and a teenage son. Inside and outside of the office, I know that parents, myself included, can be well-meaning but our support can fall short because of those mixed emotions.

Parents believe they’re being 100% supportive, paying for a new gender-affirming wardrobe or haircut, or flying the rainbow flag, for example. However, those same parents fail to use a child’s name or pronouns or resist their child’s transition.

At the end of the day, parents, like a suburban mom of two, want their kids “to be comfortable in their skin.” Like so many parents, this mom smiled as she recalled the signs of emerging self-confidence and pride in her trans son. She then added, “I pray that he never loses that spark.” She knows there will be challenges, all while hoping that her kid has “the resilience to bounce back and not go to deep dark places.”

According to research published in Transgender Health and JMIR Mental Health, only 35% of transgender and gender diverse youth describe their home as a gender-affirming place. The lack of parental support contributes to findings that these youth are approximately three times more likely to attempt suicide than their cisgender peers. However, research consistently shows that parental support is a strong predictor of lower depression and more overall positive mental health outcomes among transgender and gender diverse youth. 

Parents raising gender-diverse kids want the best for their kids but worry they can’t provide it, either because of their own misgivings about their child’s gender identity or out of fear of society’s rejection. The gap between the love a parent has for their child and the affirmation of the gender journey their child deserves needs a specific kind of attention. Parents need validation for the range of feelings they’re having, while simultaneously hearing direct challenges to assumptions they might have about their kid’s gender identity.

When working with moms and dads, my goal is to validate the full range of emotions. I reassure parents that they can feel it all: the grief, frustration, the sense of loss, and associated confusion, while also affirming their kid. While it’s not easy, that path exists. I help parents realize that it’s possible to honor their full range of feelings without centering them over their child’s gender journey.

To truly move the needle from anxious to empowered, parents need spaces where they can be their full messy selves, full of doubts, fears, and, most of all, love. Additionally, once in these spaces, parents need direction about how to hold these feelings while simultaneously affirming their kids. 

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No matter where you are on your journey, here are 3 simple steps you can take right now.

1) Talk to a gender-affirming provider. Any therapist can put a rainbow sticker on their website or door. Make sure the therapist you find has a track record of supporting trans clients by walking the walk, not just talking the talk.

2) Read, listen to, or watch trans voices. Bringing trans voices into your everyday media provides a valuable lens into the very community your young person is growing into. This provides information, yes, but most importantly, it inspires hope for what lies ahead.

3) Join a parent group. I can’t say this enough: parenting was NEVER meant to be a solo sport. Don’t do this alone. Find your tribe. Use your social resources. And then pay it forward.

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Try my AFFIRMATION Style Quiz and learn where you are on the journey from anxious to empowered, plus get your tailored-made guide to next steps.