Why I'm Done with Grammatical Hang-Ups: My Nonbinary Kid and Your Nonbinary Friends Deserve Better

“I just can’t get over using they/them for a singular person. The grammar trips me up.”

“It’s hard to make the switch. I don’t mean to be disrespectful.”

“You understand, right?”

Yes, of course. It often trips up many people. To make the switch does require a certain level of awareness and intentionality. I do understand, up to a point.

If you don’t mean to be disrespectful, then recognize that persisting with the error is an indication of your choice, again and again, not to know my kid for who they are. That may sound harsh to some, so let me explain.

Being nonbinary in a binary world is simultaneously an act of resistance and a person living their truth. If a nonbinary gender identity lies outside your lived experience, that’s fine. If the concept of a nonbinary identity confuses or perplexes you, that’s fine too. However, the cause of your discomfort doesn’t rest on the person in front of you. Instead, it rests on the threat to norms about men and women that you’ve internalized so deeply, you may not even know they exist. Norms like these are often the water we’re swimming in without even knowing that we’re swimming.

It’s so easy to fall into esoteric and academic debates when we’re faced with a new concept, a new norm. But my nonbinary kid doesn’t care much for your intellectual discourse on their pronouns or gender identity. What they do care about, what they deserve, just like anybody else with whom you interact, is your respect for their existence. A basic way to show respect is to use the correct pronouns.

I excuse my boomer parents from incorrectly using my kid’s pronouns. I understand that the cognitive leaps exceed what is a reasonable request. My kid was the one who pointed this out and made it clear they accepted the limitations. They know Grandma, Grandpa, and Nana love them, and that’s pretty much all that matters.

But when it comes to my friends and colleagues, I hold different standards. I know they have the cognition to do the mental wrangling necessary to remember and then utilize my kid’s pronouns. I know many consider themselves allies. I’m losing patience with the excuses or the simple failure to try. After 4 years, I don’t want to correct them anymore. They all received the memo. They’ve heard me using they/them over and over again. And yet, they don’t reciprocate.

What’s aggravating is that their failure to use my kid’s pronouns sometimes leads me to misgender my kid too. In the common practice of conversational mirroring and matching, I slip.

Nonbinary flag

Just imagine, for a moment, that you are misgendered daily by strangers, but also by people who know you. People who care about you. And instead of correcting them or showing reasonable anger in response to this repetitive error, you have been conditioned to ignore it, to excuse it, and to forgive it because getting your pronouns right isn’t easy. For them. Never mind that hearing the wrong pronouns might not be easy for YOU. The ease and comfort of the majority trumps the discomfort of the minority.

I’m sure my kid’s gender expression and outward appearance further complicate the adoption of their pronouns. Aesthetically, my kid “matches” what most people would expect from their sex-assigned-at-birth. Their gendered presentation protects them and affords them the ability to pass in any environment. But that’s immaterial to WHY they appear the way that they do. Passing is a fortunate by-product, but it’s not the reason behind the fashion choices my kid makes.

And, why does it matter? Maybe I’m ahead of myself here, but I assume that were my kid to appear more androgynous, people might do a better job of using their pronouns correctly. This is purely anecdotal reasoning at play, but I imagine more people envision a nonbinary gender identity as androgynous and harder to classify into a male or female category. Weirdly, I assume that many people perceive androgyny as passing as nonbinary, just like dresses equal female and facial hair equals male.

Nonbinary Awareness Week may have passed, but the sentiments remain. I am tired of grammatical hang-ups and failed attempts to classify gender identity into neat boxes. I am tired of reminding you. I am increasingly frustrated by your dependence on reminders as opposed to active work, on your own, to expand your consciousness about pronouns, let alone gender identity.

I recognize that it isn’t easy, but that’s not an excuse I’m willing to accept. This plea isn’t directed at any one person in particular, nor is it in response to any one exchange. Maybe it’s because my kid is about to head off to college and I want the world to embrace them. Or maybe, as I’m about to make a presentation to my alma mater as a gender-diversity expert, I want the world to embrace me.

Here's what I know for sure: I make mistakes. I am a work in progress. I am trying. I'm asking you to get over it and do the work too. This isn’t about your comfort or your ease. You truly don’t have to understand to show respect.

But you do have to try.