My Midwest Tour has ended. Out of a half-baked idea in early 2024, I manifested a 4-state, community outreach barnstormer that included 4 events, 1 concert, multiple meals with friends, meetups with family and so many stories. I met inspiring, whole-hearted, and generous moms and dads across IA, MO, NE and SD. Reconnecting with family after decades and friends I haven’t seen since the last comet, I haven’t laughed that hard and that often in a while. I even saw Barry Manilow perform. In other words, it was epic. This 3-part blog series attempts to capture all of the trip’s elements. The good in the form of connection and community building. The bad in terms of the political realities families with gender-diverse kids are facing in these 4 states. And the hopeful work already being done and the possibility for greater collaboration. Read on.
Home to Mount Rushmore and the largest Harley Davidson motorcycle rally in the world, my Midwest Tour began in South Dakota. Who would’ve guessed when I walked into a Panera to start day one with a cup of coffee, that I would be greeted by employees all wearing Panera Pride 2023 t-shirts. Was I imagining this rainbow or was it a real god wink? Turns out it was true synchronicity.
Every professional meeting and every friend and family member I encountered all demonstrated the need for connection. Family members from more conservative Christian backgrounds openly expressed their encouragement of my project and even went so far as to acknowledge their desire to talk more in order to address their limited exposure. One stated a desire to learn about my kid because “they are a person.” Simply put but impactful, their statement made me wonder if I contributed to a penny drop. I had a similar experience with a childhood friend. When we ended our 3-hour lunch date, we pledged friendship and promised to respect each other even when we don’t understand or agree.
These kinds of exchanges helped me appreciate the slow but meaningful work of maintaining dialogue through conflict or disagreement. They solidified my purpose not only for my tour but also for my book: building empathy through storytelling.
My first event of the tour was no less impactful. Fellow cis moms of gender-diverse kids ranging in age from 7-20+, greeted each other with hugs rather than handshakes. Because of their affiliation with the event’s host, South Dakota Transformation Project, I wrongly assumed that these moms knew each other. Instead, they were hungry for community and I literally witnessed the ripple effect of having organized this event when they exchanged contact info and promised to meet up for coffee.
I participated in 3 more events before the tour wrapped up and I witnessed the ripple again and again. At each stop the theme of community was evident and storytelling served as a means of achieving healing, inspiration and joy. A colleague post-trip put it this way: You can choose to lead from fear or to lead from love. Love led again and again.
From Sioux Falls to Saint Louis, people showed up in ways I didn’t expect nor had even considered. A longtime friend addressed old wounds with integrity. A manicurist, after learning about the reason for my trip, told me: “Sioux Falls needs more of what you’re doing.” Uncles and cousins shared stories and interpretations of events that they had long kept private. New alliances were built between people sharing the bond of parenting a trans kid in a transphobic state. Friends, aunts and uncles spoke their truths. People turned out to meet for the first time and felt seen while simultaneously witnessing others. Strangers at gas stations, hotels, and restaurants offered support and encouragement by being kind with a greeting or generous with an offer. They didn’t know they were all playing a part in a larger production. They just did it because that’s how we’re wired, at the root, to be in community.
In my last blog post, I tried to convey the kind-heartedness of the Midwest. I expressed a hope about returning to the place that taught me how to be a good human in order to spread more goodwill. I was not disappointed nor was my goal unmet. My heart was open and the world responded in kind. To be sure, there is more work to be done. However, both during and afterwards when reflecting on my trip, I am increasingly aware of how I repeatedly experienced people’s desire to do good, to make a difference, to be in community with others, and to care about the wellbeing of their neighbors. When we choose to lead from love all kinds of things are possible. Respectfully hearing someone else’s story and seeing their humanity might not be easy but it is possible.
This post is part of my collection of blogs about cis parents of trans, nonbinary and gender-expansive kids called: Parenting Through Transitions. If you liked this post, please subscribe to receive my monthly email newsletter, as well as follow me on social @rachel_hulsteinlowe_llc. If you are interested in learning more about my writing project involving interviews of parents of gender-expansive kids, please go to this page to get the details or to register to participate.
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