"Get Down!" What to Do When Your Preschooler Climbs Up on the Table (& How to Manage Other Parenting Challenges)

Post-breakfast scene courtesy of Freepic

“I just wanted him to get down. Nothing I said was getting him to move. It was like he was frozen. So eventually I picked him up and put him down on the ground.”

This was my client’s account of her preschooler climbing up on the counter at breakfast that morning. Exhausted by similar power struggles the day before, this mom was exasperated.

I’ve heard these stories before, will hear them again, and yes, I’ve lived a few of them with my own kids. I know intimately well this mom’s weary desperation, as well as the shock of seeing one’s child doing something that is both unexpected and potentially unsafe.

Thoughts race through a mom’s mind, such as: "What’s going on? Doesn’t he know better? Why won’t he listen to me? I don’t want to resort to picking him up, but I don’t know how else to stop him."

Let me address those questions and concerns in order:

1. What’s going on? This preschooler is exploring his world with all the curiosity he can muster. He feels an impulse: “I could climb up there!” And he acts on it, almost instantaneously. He isn’t being malicious or naughty; he’s exploring his world with his body.

2. Doesn’t he know better? In all honesty, no, he doesn’t know better. He doesn’t have the cognitive skills to slow down long enough to evaluate the safety or consequences of his actions. He is literally living in the moment. And once he’s up on the counter, he feels excited. But then he sees his mom’s face, which is likely expressing displeasure or concern or a mixture of both. 

3. Why won’t he listen to me? He processes this visual information as concerning just about the time he hears his mom’s voice commanding that he get down. And now he’s both fearful and confused about what to do next, so he freezes. He’s taking in sensory information that tells him there’s a problem, but he doesn’t entirely know what the problem is. Mom looks and sounds upset, and that is unsettling for him. His nervous system responds by freezing.

4. I don’t want to resort to picking him up, but ….. Pay attention to that intuition and insight. The mother’s gut says, “I don’t want to pick him up” because something about that interaction doesn’t feel right. For both a mom and her son, the moment feels emotionally charged and intense. The most powerful way a parent can reinforce a behavior is by making physical contact with their kid. In other words, by picking up the preschooler, the mom is reinforcing a few things: a) the feeling that she is out of control, b) the boy’s out-of-control feelings, c) the boy’s frozen state, and d) getting up on the counter leads to physical contact with mom. 

5. I don’t know how else to stop him. To respond differently, two details are most salient: specificity and time. 

   
   

   Let me tell you what I mean by specificity. Tell your son exactly what you want him to do. Be as clear, detailed, and efficient with your words as possible. Instead of “Get down!” try “Johnny, pick a seat and put your bottom in it” or “Johnny, put your feet on the ground by the count of ten” or “Let’s see if you can get both feet onto the ground before I count to ten.” Avoid negative commands like “Stop that” or “You’re not supposed to be up there” because they lack any guidance to your son about what to do to fix the problem. 

As for the importance of time, your son needs a little more time to make the connection between your identification of the problem and your command. To reduce the chances of this behavior happening again, your son needs to make the neural connection between realizing “I’m up on the counter” and practicing how to get down. He makes the neural connection by moving his body in the ways he’s been directed. He likely needs a few more seconds for things to click into place.

As the mom in this scenario, try counting to ten while you bite your tongue. Or notice your inhale and exhale while you wait for him to make a move. By giving him a bit more time, you are more likely to see your son heed your direction. And by letting him initiate this solution, you enable him to learn. He needs to embody the lesson to close (or begin to close) the loop between the impulse, the problem, and the solution.

For the cherry on top, when your son’s bottom is back on the seat or his feet are both firmly on the floor, walk over and hug him, give him a high five, or kiss the top of his head. Physically reinforce the great neural wiring that just took place. I guarantee it’ll reinforce your great parenting moment as well.